One Gospel principle
that has been sinking into my heart as of late is sacrifice. The Lord asks us
to trust Him, to sacrifice everything that we have, to take leaps of faith so
that we may reach our full potential and become like Him. When we are willing
to sacrifice everything that we have, we find the most growth and the most joy.
The grand paradox of the Gospel is that when you lose yourself, you find
yourself. I have had incredible experiences with this very principle within the
last few years.
When I first
received the spiritual confirmation that I was supposed to serve a mission, I
was terrified. I was not terrified necessarily because of what I was about to
experience, but because of what experiences I would be giving up. I will be the
first to admit that it was hard leaving my life behind. The hardest part was
coming to grips with the uncertainty that I was introducing into my life with
this new decision. Choosing to serve a mission would mean an additional 8-month
separation between me and the love of my life. We had a box that we were
putting together. Inside the box, on notecards, we wrote everything that we
wanted to do together. I was terrified of losing him along with the future that
I desperately wanted inside that box. But I also knew, deep in my heart, that I
was supposed to leave it all in God's hands.
I was incredibly
distracted before I left. I was excited to serve, but I still felt conflicted.
I decided to write a letter to myself outlining exactly what I wanted my future
to look like. In that letter I poured out the most desperate desires of my heart,
mainly including my desire to marry JJ. Then I poured out my heart to God and
told Him that my future was completely in His hands. I wanted Him to transform
me into the faithful servant that He wanted me to become. I wanted Him to shape
my future. I knew that in His hands were the safest place for my future to be.
As I ended the prayer I sealed up the letter and put it in my closet,
determined not to open it until my mission was finished. That physical act
was a representation to me throughout my
mission of my desire to give up everything I desired to serve the Lord.
I only cried once in
the MTC. It's not what you would expect. I was called as Coordinating Sister
and it was my job to take the new missionaries on a tour of the MTC every new
transfer. My classroom instructor, Brother Curtis, always taught the most powerful
lessons. Every time he spoke the Spirit would fill the room. There was one
night in particular that I had to leave class early to take the new
missionaries on a tour. I wasn't really needed because all the new missionaries
were elders, and the zone leaders were already conducting the tour. However,
the zone leaders wanted me to come, so I came. As I returned to the classroom
an hour later I could physically feel the spirit in the room; it was so thick
you could cut it with a knife. Brother Curtis had been giving a lesson on the
Atonement, and everyone was silent. I only heard the last ten minutes before
class got out, and all my fellow missionaries told me how amazing that lesson
was and how much I had missed out. I received a rough outline from my companion
but it didn't mean much.
I cried as I prayed
that night and asked God why I had to miss out on such a profound spiritual
experience to perform a calling that wasn't completely necessary. The answer I
received at the time was, "Since when was serving a mission about you?"
That line stuck with
me throughout my entire mission. That was my first lesson about the meaning of
sacrifice. You give everything to God, no matter the cost.
Eleven months later
I was at one of the lowest points in my mission. I was anxious, burned out, and
discouraged. The thought of going another day made me sick to my stomach. My
fire had gone out, my desire was gone. Once again, I found myself trying to cope
with fear and uncertainty about the future.
I needed divine help. My incredibly patient companion, Sister Schwab,
advised me to use the Atonement. That is when I really learned how to access
the Atonement of Jesus Christ; I discovered how
its enabling power gives us the strength beyond our own to endure. I
began to study the doctrine of hope and instantly connected with it. For weeks
the Spirit was feeding me messages about what it truly means to have hope
through the Atonement of Jesus Christ. I felt a renewed sense of strength and
energy. My fire reignited, my excitement returned. Hope became my anchor.
I was going through
my MTC journal around this time and I came across the rough outline of Brother
Curtis's lesson that my companion had given me. It was then that I discovered
that everything that I had learned about hope and the atonement was listed on
that outline. I had missed hearing it in class, but I later had the opportunity
to experience the doctrine in profoundly life-changing ways. Another lesson about sacrifice: through the Atonement of Jesus Christ, ultimately, all of our losses will be made up.
Ten months later I
found myself driving up to Northern Alpine with my returned missionary. He was
taking me on a hike up Horsetail Falls. The Rodeo Grounds are near the base of
the trailhead, and served as our spot when we first began dating. I mentioned
that it had been a while since I had seen the Rodeo Grounds, so we dropped by
to take pictures. After finding a good spot surrounded by trees, he said he
wanted to show me something. He pulled out our box and told me to open it.
Every notecard in the box was gone. The only thing in the box was the letter I
had written myself, outlining the future I desperately wanted. He told me that
is the future he wanted as well. That is when he pulled out the ring and asked
me to marry him.
The object that
served as my representation of every hope and desire that I had sacrificed to
serve the Lord became the very object through which all my hopes and desires
became a reality.
That is the beauty
of the doctrine of sacrifice. Christ promises us, " . . . whosoever will
lose his life for my sake shall find it" (Matt 16:25).
Now I am not
necessarily suggesting that we will receive in return exactly what we offer up
on the altar of sacrifice. But I have a firm testimony that when we put the
Lord first in our lives, seek to align our will with His, and make the
necessary sacrifices, we are blessed beyond measure. We discover who we really
are. We grow closer to our eternal potential. And, on the Lord's timing, we are
blessed with the righteous desires of our hearts.
Pslams 37: 3-5 -
- Trust in the Lord, and do good; so shalt thou dwell in the land, and verily thou shalt be fed.
- Delight thyself also in the Lord; and he shall give thee the desires of thine heart. .
- Commit thy way unto the Lord; trust also in him; and he shall bring it to pass.
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