A Light in the Darkness

So . . . I haven't blogged in a while. It's been . . .9 months. Because my life got insane. But I had an experience this week that I wanted to share.

I went to a Relief Society activity that really opened my eyes. The sister in charge gave us each a stack of sticky notes. She had us write our deepest paints, trials, and heartaches on each note. She asked us to respect the privacy of others and not read the notes until after all of them had been posted around the Relief Society room. Reading all the notes was heart-wrenching. Imagine reading hundreds of notes in a matter of minutes, expressing dead dreams, deepest heartaches, trials, and dark places. There were notes about suicide, anxiety, depression, and addiction. Some women had marital problems, others were afraid that they would never be married and have a family. Some were drowning in debt or struggling with feelings of guilt and inadequacy. Some had wayward children, some struggled with infertility, others were tired of motherhood entirely. Others felt lonely, friendless, and helpless. I cried for these women as I discovered their heartache and sorrow. I also discovered some buried heartaches of my own.

The sister in charge had us pick one note from the wall that resonated with us. I found it interesting that one sister had picked one of mine, which talked about feelings of guilt from falling short. Every sister had a note with which they resonated, and notes came quickly down off the wall.

We then were asked if we had advice for some of the heartaches we read on the notes. All of us raised our hands.

This opened my eyes to three things. One: everyone has trials and heartache. This is something that we all understand, but it became much more real to me after seeing it all in writing. Two: We share many of our trials with others; we are never truly alone. Three: We all have wisdom to counsel those who have faced some of the heartaches that we have. We need to be aware of their needs and seize the opportunity to lift them up. The activity was wrapped up with a beautiful message about the importance of ministering to those who need our help.

The crowning moment was what was going on outside. As we read about all the trials and heartaches that surrounded us, the wind was howling outisde the walls of the church. I haven't seen a windstorm like that in a long time. I was apprehensive to walk outside, but I had to get home. I ran outside and completely forgot about the wind as I looked to the east. The most beautiful, bright, clear, double-rainbow stood majestically over Provo canyon. It was perfectly breath-taking.

Through trials and tribulations, we may feel overwhelmed by the billowing storms. Not just the storms around us, but around the ones we love. At times, the heartache and sadness becomes too much, and we wonder why there is so much suffering. But when we feel the weight of the world on our shoulders, we can look toward our Savior Jesus Christ, who is the only one who truly carried the weight of the world on His shoulders. As we turn to Him, not only will He grant us feelings of peace, but He will show us that He is there and has not forgotten us. That is what I saw in that rainbow.

With Christ as our anchor, not only can we find light in the darkness, but we can be the light that shines in others' darkness.

Blessings of Sacrifice: The Meaning Behind the Proposal

One Gospel principle that has been sinking into my heart as of late is sacrifice. The Lord asks us to trust Him, to sacrifice everything that we have, to take leaps of faith so that we may reach our full potential and become like Him. When we are willing to sacrifice everything that we have, we find the most growth and the most joy. The grand paradox of the Gospel is that when you lose yourself, you find yourself. I have had incredible experiences with this very principle within the last few years.

When I first received the spiritual confirmation that I was supposed to serve a mission, I was terrified. I was not terrified necessarily because of what I was about to experience, but because of what experiences I would be giving up. I will be the first to admit that it was hard leaving my life behind. The hardest part was coming to grips with the uncertainty that I was introducing into my life with this new decision. Choosing to serve a mission would mean an additional 8-month separation between me and the love of my life. We had a box that we were putting together. Inside the box, on notecards, we wrote everything that we wanted to do together. I was terrified of losing him along with the future that I desperately wanted inside that box. But I also knew, deep in my heart, that I was supposed to leave it all in God's hands.

I was incredibly distracted before I left. I was excited to serve, but I still felt conflicted. I decided to write a letter to myself outlining exactly what I wanted my future to look like. In that letter I poured out the most desperate desires of my heart, mainly including my desire to marry JJ. Then I poured out my heart to God and told Him that my future was completely in His hands. I wanted Him to transform me into the faithful servant that He wanted me to become. I wanted Him to shape my future. I knew that in His hands were the safest place for my future to be. As I ended the prayer I sealed up the letter and put it in my closet, determined not to open it until my mission was finished. That physical act was  a representation to me throughout my mission of my desire to give up everything I desired to serve the Lord.

I only cried once in the MTC. It's not what you would expect. I was called as Coordinating Sister and it was my job to take the new missionaries on a tour of the MTC every new transfer. My classroom instructor, Brother Curtis, always taught the most powerful lessons. Every time he spoke the Spirit would fill the room. There was one night in particular that I had to leave class early to take the new missionaries on a tour. I wasn't really needed because all the new missionaries were elders, and the zone leaders were already conducting the tour. However, the zone leaders wanted me to come, so I came. As I returned to the classroom an hour later I could physically feel the spirit in the room; it was so thick you could cut it with a knife. Brother Curtis had been giving a lesson on the Atonement, and everyone was silent. I only heard the last ten minutes before class got out, and all my fellow missionaries told me how amazing that lesson was and how much I had missed out. I received a rough outline from my companion but it didn't mean much.

I cried as I prayed that night and asked God why I had to miss out on such a profound spiritual experience to perform a calling that wasn't completely necessary. The answer I received at the time was, "Since when was serving a mission about you?"

That line stuck with me throughout my entire mission. That was my first lesson about the meaning of sacrifice. You give everything to God, no matter the cost.

Eleven months later I was at one of the lowest points in my mission. I was anxious, burned out, and discouraged. The thought of going another day made me sick to my stomach. My fire had gone out, my desire was gone. Once again, I found myself trying to cope with fear and uncertainty about the future.  I needed divine help. My incredibly patient companion, Sister Schwab, advised me to use the Atonement. That is when I really learned how to access the Atonement of Jesus Christ; I discovered how  its enabling power gives us the strength beyond our own to endure. I began to study the doctrine of hope and instantly connected with it. For weeks the Spirit was feeding me messages about what it truly means to have hope through the Atonement of Jesus Christ. I felt a renewed sense of strength and energy. My fire reignited, my excitement returned. Hope became my anchor.

I was going through my MTC journal around this time and I came across the rough outline of Brother Curtis's lesson that my companion had given me. It was then that I discovered that everything that I had learned about hope and the atonement was listed on that outline. I had missed hearing it in class, but I later had the opportunity to experience the doctrine in profoundly life-changing ways. Another lesson about sacrifice: through the Atonement of Jesus Christ, ultimately, all of our losses will be made up.

Ten months later I found myself driving up to Northern Alpine with my returned missionary. He was taking me on a hike up Horsetail Falls. The Rodeo Grounds are near the base of the trailhead, and served as our spot when we first began dating. I mentioned that it had been a while since I had seen the Rodeo Grounds, so we dropped by to take pictures. After finding a good spot surrounded by trees, he said he wanted to show me something. He pulled out our box and told me to open it. Every notecard in the box was gone. The only thing in the box was the letter I had written myself, outlining the future I desperately wanted. He told me that is the future he wanted as well. That is when he pulled out the ring and asked me to marry him.

The object that served as my representation of every hope and desire that I had sacrificed to serve the Lord became the very object through which all my hopes and desires became a reality.

That is the beauty of the doctrine of sacrifice. Christ promises us, " . . . whosoever will lose his life for my sake shall find it" (Matt 16:25).

Now I am not necessarily suggesting that we will receive in return exactly what we offer up on the altar of sacrifice. But I have a firm testimony that when we put the Lord first in our lives, seek to align our will with His, and make the necessary sacrifices, we are blessed beyond measure. We discover who we really are. We grow closer to our eternal potential. And, on the Lord's timing, we are blessed with the righteous desires of our hearts.

Pslams 37: 3-5 -

3. Trust in the Lord, and do good; so shalt thou dwell in the land, and verily thou shalt be fed.
4. Delight thyself also in the Lord; and he shall give thee the desires of thine heart. .
5. Commit thy way unto the Lord; trust also in him; and he shall bring it to pass.

It's Okay if You Fall

The other day I was lead climbing at the Quarry. I had gotten about 20 feet up the wall when I realized that the next hold was too far to reach. I would have to make a little leap for it. Something about that idea scared me speechless. I had my belayer take up the slack so I could sit and look at the wall for a moment. My heart was pounding. My psyche was screaming at me not to proceed. I knew that if I were to take this leap and miss that hold, I would end up falling about 10 feet.

I love rock climbing. I've tried to go as often as possible since returning home from my mission. However, lead climbing still terrifies me. When you lead climb, the rope that holds you is not connected to the top of the climb. Instead, you carry the rope underneath you and clip into anchors as you ascend. This means that if you fall, you will most likely fall around 10-15 feet, sometimes more depending on how far apart your clips are. I was used to the sensation of falling before my mission, but now it scares me.

The fear has managed to erase the thrill I used to experience from lead climbing.

I finally said a little prayer to God to help me complete that move. I did a little jump for that hold and stuck it. My adrenaline exploded. That was terrifying. My whole body was shaking. Nerves destroy you when you're trying to lead climb. It requires balance and incredibly smooth movements to keep you from falling. Shaking makes it much more difficult to let go of the wall and clip in your rope. Your own body's defense mechanisms put you in the danger of falling.

I had to calm myself down to keep from falling. One phrase repeated in my mind as I struggled up that wall, "It's okay if you fall. It's okay if you fall. It's okay if you fall."

It's okay if you fall.

I had an epiphany last night as I was taking an evening stroll with my best friend. I have come to some very important cross roads in my life. The decisions that have reached my doorstep terrify me. I realized that I respond to tough real life situations the same way I that I respond to hard climbing moves. When there is a level of uncertainty in my life -- if I am not absolutely certain that my next choice will not lead to disaster or hurt or regret -- then I freeze. I don't want to proceed. My defense mechanism kicks in and I want to run from the choice entirely. Sometimes I'm scared of taking leaps of faith.

I love climbing easy routes because I know, without a doubt, that I can stick the next hold, and that I'm not going to fall. But those don’t help me grow. I don't become a better climber. I don't get stronger either because I'm not pushing myself. It's tempting to take the easy route in life. Taking risks is terrifying. You don’t want to fall. You don't want to fail. You don't want to get hurt. But if we never take risks, if we always avoid those hard decisions, we will not grow. Fear is a tool the adversary uses to keep us from our full potential. When we are blinded by fear in the face of important decision-making we are in danger of falling. The only way we are going to grow is if we push ourselves to new heights, take risks, and take those leaps of faith.

The answer is hope. What helps me get to the top of a difficult climb is the knowledge that I have the capacity to finish it. Sometimes it's easy to lose sight of my potential when I have to struggle past a difficult move. But I have the voice of my belayer who always tells me that I can make it, and he pushes me to keep moving. And I love him for it. And even if I make a poor choice, even if I take that risk and end up falling, I know that my belayer will catch me. Because I trust him completely.

Our Savior Jesus Christ knows our potential. He knows that we can become just like Him. He knows we have the potential to succeed gloriously in this life. We can finish this climb. He will catch us if we fall. He instills hope in our souls by teaching us who we are and who we have the potential to become. He asks us to trust Him. We cannot continue ascending without taking leaps of faith. Those leaps of faith increase our trust and refine our character. They help us conquer fear.

2 Timothy 1:7 reads, "For God hath not given us the spirit of fear; but of power, and of love, and of a sound mind."

As we rely on our Savior Jesus Christ we will succeed in this life. We are safe as long as we put our life into His hands. He will catch us if we fall. He will encourage us to keep moving. He will help us through the storms and rough patches of life. He will fill our hearts with courage to keep moving forward in the face of uncertainty.

It's okay if we fall. Because Christ will lift us up.